I sort of left this site hanging all summer, didn't I?  I'm sorry!  Things have been amazing and if I didn't take the time to center myself everyday I'd be bouncing off the walls.

School is wonderful, I'm speeding through at double time, if you can imagine that.  I'm just anxious to be done, it's difficult to wait.  In my spare time I write.  Novels, self-help books, and poetry.  My second book of poetry just got published, so I'm feeling pretty dang ecstatic at the moment.  But I can only happy dance for a moment, because I have a billion other writing projects nearing completion, and I don't want to abandon them.  So, here goes.  *happy dance*

That's all I have time for right now.  (Must sleep some time, you know.)  I promise I won't just disappear again!

XOXO,

Heather

I have quit my job to go back to school full time - starting today.  I'm more nervous than I thought I would be... it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to step off. 

Before I got married (and divorced) and had my daughter, I was a night owl to the extreme.  It was purely by choice.  I'd wake up in the afternoon and crawl into bed around 6am.  Most of that time I wasn't even working... just being a lazy bum.  Hey, I was what I was.

There are a few things I miss about that time.  The sheer silence of the night when everyone is fast asleep.  The peace.  (At least, until I turned on the tv and plugged in the coffee pot.)  Dancing around in the privacy of my house.  Spreading my papers aaaaallll over the floor as I created stories and poems.  Midnight cooking.  But mostly I miss...

The connection I had with the Great Spirit.  Because at dawn I would take a cup of tea outside and just sit and meditate.  I would ground myself, ground that crazy, sleep-depraved energy and just... feel Her.   It's something I did nearly every morning before bed.

Then I married a right %^$%$# who completely distracted me from my path.  Sure it was still there, I always believed, but I stopped most of my rituals and practices.  Sheer laziness.  I am ashamed to admit it.  When I gave birth, my entire life changed.  For the better!  I realized what was important in my life and hers, and knew I wanted to teach her everything I know.  Like...

Change is inevitable.  If you have kids, you know.  Your whole schedule changes completely.  I have turned into a *gasp* morning person!  I like to go to bed between 9 and 10 pm, although if I could nestle in sooner, I would.  I tend to wake up just before the sun, and as it is summer, that's been more and more early.  I absolutely love it, because it's still so quiet, and I can feel spirits.  What I have been doing is just getting up, brewing a cup of tea, and then plonking my butt down at the computer and working on my novel for about 45 minutes before making breakfast, waking up the little one, and getting ready for work.  It doesn't make me feel connected.  Every morning last week when I woke up, I thought, "Hey, I should go outside."  But then I'd think of everything I have to do and go, "No time."

No time?  What's that all about?  No time for my faith, no time for myself?

But this morning was different.  Last night I went to bed rather late (by my standards, eleven pm!), so when I opened my eyes at 5:23am on the dot I was pretty tired.  But I could see blue light coming through my windows; the sun was about to come up.  I thought, "Now or never."  Made a cup of green earl grey, slipped into my sandals and went outside. 

Bliss.  I hadn't even stepped over the threshold when a sense of calm came over me.  The air was so fresh and cool after the rain last night, and was a welcome relief to the heat we've been having.  The grass was wet, the sky was that gorgeous gray blue and dotted with the last of the rain clouds, drifting away.  Birds chirrped and fluttered from tree to tree.  I sat down (I was bloody tired, after all) on the front step and sipped my tea.  I missed this so much.  After a while I took a walk around the house, noticed the mushrooms popping up in the grass.  It was pure and utter bliss.

I've decided to continue having tea with my Creator.  Who cares whether I'm up all day or all night?  Dawn is dawn, whether it's the first thing or the last thing I acknowledge in my day.  It's something I need to fill my soul, rebuild that connection with nature, and feel at peace.   

Growing up, I've always had Christian friends.  Even as I entered adulthood, somehow I managed to befriend the most Christian of them all.  And that's okay. 

But now I'm almost 25 years old and STILL hide my beliefs and practices.  What I wouldn't give to have some pagan friends in my neighborhood.  I'd love to wear my pentacle necklace outside of my shirt, without fear of confrontation.  (I really hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague.)  It's getting to the point now where I'm craving interaction with like-minded people.

I started thinking of this when planning a guest list for my birthday next month.  I'm pretty excited - I'll be a quarter of a century old!  I want to celebrate it in style - with those who know me best.  When that thought hit me, I froze with my pen hovering over my notepad.  The names I had come up with belonged to some very nice people who have known me for a long time, know my family, and have been really sweet and thoughtful in the past.  But they don't really know me.  They know the image that I have projected to them, and it's all my fault. 

If I suddenly come out and say, "Oh, by the way everyone, I'm pagan and I have been for years... just wanted to let you know" what would happen? 

Blogs make me itchy.  But I guess I ought to say something, right?  Hmmm... how about...

Hello!  I'm not really sure who will read this, but I thought I'd give it a go.  :-)